“You’re perfect just the way you are, and you need some work.”
It’s probably not difficult for you to believe the second half of this statement. The first half, on the other hand, is problematic for many of us. Many women struggle with self-esteem to one degree or another.
As you know, we are constantly bombarded by media messages that tell us we are far from perfect; these messages usually suggest that buying a particular product or trying a particular diet or exercise routine is just what we need to achieve the perfection we seek. It’s easy to get caught up in the hope that what they’re saying is true.
I am not suggesting that it is wrong to have goals like getting in shape and achieving a healthy body weight. It can become a problem, though, if either (a) the product, diet, or exercise program doesn’t work for you or (b) having lost weight, gotten in shape, or whatever, you realize you’re still not happy with yourself. In either situation, you will probably become more convinced than ever that there’s something really wrong with you.
The Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Jung once said, “The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases.” If you try something and it doesn’t work for you, maybe you just haven’t found the approach that best suits you. Try to resist the temptation to immediately label yourself as a failure.
So, back to the quote at the beginning of the article. It’s natural (and healthy) to want to improve yourself. You’re a lot more likely to succeed in and benefit from your self-improvement efforts, though, if you first accept yourself as you are. Yes, you do have flaws. There are things that you can’t do as well as others do. But there is another side to the story, if you will look for it.
There are ways to begin to balance out your mental picture of yourself. For example, every time you notice something about yourself that you’d like to change, make a point of also noticing something else about yourself that you’re happy about. If you were to say to yourself, “Wow, I really need to lose some weight!” you could follow it up with something like “True, but I have been working out several times a week, and I’m a lot stronger than I was a couple of months ago!”
Max Ehrmann’s “Desiderata” says “Do not compare yourself to others, or you will become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.” We all compare ourselves to other people, of course; we just need to be aware that we are doing it and try to be as realistic and fair to ourselves as possible.
For instance, a colleague of mine recently told me that, while she practices yoga regularly, she no longer attends yoga classes. She said that she was always in pain after class because no matter what the teacher said about listening to one’s body and respecting one’s limits, she always got the message that she needed to push herself harder and do more. Even though competition is far from the essential purpose of yoga, it can be hard not to look at what the teacher and other students in the class are doing and, possibly, push yourself beyond what is healthy for you.
Another way to balance your perspective is to take the advice of one of my favorite sayings from 12-step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous: “Don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides.” In other words, don’t assume that just because someone else looks self-confident and like she “has it all together” she feels that way, too! For all you know, she may be extremely self-critical.
The funny thing is that self-esteem is often not closely related to a person’s actual abilities or accomplishments. We’ve all known wonderful, talented people who didn’t think they had anything worthwhile to offer even though they were admired and respected by others.
We can look at that in a couple of ways. We can despair of ever being happy with ourselves, or we can realize that even incredibly gifted and well-respected people can lose sight of the contributions they make. If their self-esteem problems are unfounded, who’s to say ours aren’t, too?
Practicing these techniques can help raise your self-esteem, but sometimes they’re not enough. Many of my clients grew up with alcoholic parents; their home environments were chaotic and unpredictable. Because they tried to meet standards that were constantly changing, they faced constant criticism and eventually became extremely critical of themselves, too. Even if you did not grow up with an alcoholic parent, your experiences may have been similar. If you were raised in this way, it can be challenging to overcome its effects by yourself; working with a professional counselor can be invaluable in your efforts to improve your self-esteem. If this sounds like you, please visit my website (www.BeallPastoralCounseling.com), then call me at 443-458-4221 or email me at info@BeallPastoralCounseling.com.
Jennifer Beall is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in private practice. She specializes in helping women who grew up in alcoholic or similarly dysfunctional homes to break the “Don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel” rules that they learned as children so that they can choose a healthier and more satisfying way of living and relating.