“Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig.”
--Robert Heinlein
Robert Heinlein makes a valid, if ridiculous, point here. If you try to teach a pig to sing, you’ll end up frustrated. If you accept that you will never be able to go on America’s Got Talent with your singing pig, though, you’ll be much better off.
Seriously, though…many of us waste a lot of energy wishing things or people were different. It’s often hard to know what we should try to change and what we should leave alone. That’s why members of Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12-step groups find the Serenity Prayer so valuable:
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Whether or not you have an addiction, and whether or not you believe in God, this prayer has something to offer you. I’ll break it down so you can see what I mean.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…
Acceptance and powerlessness are important themes in 12-step groups. An alcoholic, in order to recover, has to accept that she is an alcoholic and that she is powerless over alcohol. So, if you’re not an alcoholic, what does this have to do with you? A lot. You, too, have things over which you are powerless, and which can make your life miserable if you insist on trying to control them.
There are certain things you can’t change, no matter how much you want to. Of course, there are global issues that are not easily influenced by one person. But you can’t force another person to change, either, which can be hard to accept.
Let’s take a hypothetical example: a workaholic spouse. A common response to a workaholic spouse is to make frequent comments about wanting/needing him or her to come home sooner, spend more time with the family, etc. Unfortunately, this will probably be perceived as nagging by the workaholic, making it less likely that he or she will want to be home to hear it. Therefore, it will probably have the opposite effect of the one intended. This can become a vicious cycle, with more comments leading to longer work hours, which leads to more comments, and on and on.
But, before you throw up your hands and give up, remember that there is more to the serenity prayer than acceptance.
…The courage to change the things I can…
Yes, while there are many things you can’t change, there are probably at least as many things that you can change. The main things you can change are your own thoughts, words, and actions.
For example: You probably can’t force your spouse to cut back his or her work hours. You can, however, change the way you talk about it. It’s easy to come to the door shouting, “Where have you been? I’ve been waiting for you ever since I got home from work three hours ago! You’re NEVER home when you say you will be! And I’ll bet you brought work home, too!” It’s not so easy, though, to step back a bit, calm yourself down, and explain your position using “I” statements. For instance, you might say something like, “So, did your boss give you one of those last-minute projects again? I get really frustrated when my boss does that to me. I also get frustrated, though, when I don’t know when you’re going to be home. Could you give me a call next time so I know what to expect?” If you use this approach more than once, your spouse may start to keep a more regular schedule, or at least be more considerate of your position. Ironically, often the best way to get people to change is to accept them as they are!
I think the hardest part of the Serenity Prayer is this:
…And the wisdom to know the difference.
How do you know when you can (or should) try to change something? And, having decided that it’s a good idea to try to make a change, how do you go about it? Changing the way you look at things is often a good approach, but if you find yourself letting someone take advantage of you, it’s time to consider other changes. As discussed earlier, if your spouse is a workaholic, nagging isn’t likely to make him or her change. Does this mean, though, that you should just accept what you consider to be unacceptable behavior? No, you shouldn’t.
Taking responsibility for your own actions and feelings is a good start. Try to open a dialogue about the issue and see if there’s some sort of common ground that can be found. One way or another, though, it’s important to decide what you can and cannot accept, then choose words and actions that support your decision.
So, I invite you to try using the Serenity Prayer. It’s not easy, but it can make a huge difference in your life.