Which of the following song lyrics appeal to you most?
1) “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.”
2) “I am a rock; I am an island.”
For most of my clients, there’s no contest: they would choose #2. They don’t like to depend on anyone for anything; they prefer to be able to take care of themselves. They would no doubt appreciate the description of a character in a book I read when I was a teenager: “fiercely independent.” What a wonderful thing—not only not needing anyone, but being fierce about it, too! No one victimizes someone who is “fiercely independent,” right?
How did my clients get that way? They learned to be self-reliant because, when they were growing up, their caregivers (who were often alcoholics, addicts, or mentally ill in some way) neglected, abandoned, or abused them. During that early time in their lives when they were completely dependent upon adults who were supposed to take care of their needs, those adults let them down. They learned early on that they couldn’t rely on anyone else, even in situations in which they should be able to do so. So, as they got older, instead of moving from being completely dependent to being interdependent (as is the ideal), they swung to the opposite extreme: doing their best not to need anyone for anything.
So, what’s the problem with that? First of all, it’s not possible. No person will ever be completely independent from others—we’re made to be social beings, “pack animals,” if you will. Second, the complete independence that my clients seek also interferes with their ability to open up to other people, an essential part of significant relationships.
The people I described fall under the heading of “Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoAs)” whether or not their parents drank. They do their best to control themselves and their environment (including other people). And all of them tend to engage in addictive and/or controlling behaviors of one sort or another. This can be alcoholism or drug addiction, but it can just as easily be perfectionism, “workaholism,” exaggerated intellectualism, an eating disorder, or any other compulsive behavior.
It can be hard for an ACoA to get to the point where she is willing to seek counseling. After all, if you’ve spent your life trying not to need anyone, why on earth would you voluntarily seek help from a therapist? I believe that the main reason that ACoAs don’t get counseling, though, is that they don’t even know that they need it. They have convinced themselves that they’ve “gotten over” whatever happened to them as children and that they are doing just fine, thank you very much! And, truthfully, in many ways they often are doing just fine—for instance, they are often quite professionally successful. They may not even notice that they are emotionally frozen.
I am telling you this from personal experience. When I decided to become a therapist, I did so because I thought I had “gotten over” my childhood and I wanted to help others to do the same. One of the requirements of my masters’ program, though, was to engage in a minimum of 20 hours of personal therapy. Going to therapy made me realize that I hadn’t gotten over my childhood experiences and that I had a lot of things that I needed to work through.
So, if you have recognized yourself in anything I’ve said here, what do you do? First, be open to the possibility that there is more to life than you are currently experiencing. You may be dealing with depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, relationship problems, alcoholism, or addictions; all of these things are most likely related, at least in part, to your experiences while you were growing up, and all of these things can change. Try to become open to the possibility that there are people who can be trusted and who can help you. Work towards admitting to yourself that you can’t do everything on your own, that you do need other people, and that that’s OK.
Individual counseling can be quite helpful when you are dealing with the issues I have described. Group counseling can also be very helpful. I am starting two new counseling groups on September 23rd. One, called “Discovering ‘Normal',” is for women who can identify with Adult Children of Alcoholics issues (with or without having had an alcoholic parent). The other, called “Beyond the Pink Cloud,” is for women who are in recovery from alcoholism or other chemical addictions. Both groups can help you to get to know other women who have had similar experiences to yours; you will realize that you are not alone, and you will learn new ways of looking at yourself and relating to others.
So, do you still think that being a “rock” or an “island” is the best way to be? I invite you to consider trying another way. You might be pleasantly surprised at the results!