I lead two "Discovering Normal" groups, one on Wednesdays (6:00-7:30 p.m.) and one on Thursdays (7:15-8:45 p.m.). A Saturday morning group will be forming soon. These groups are for women who grew up in families where the emphasis was on meeting the parents' needs rather than on meeting the children's needs, often because of the parents' alcoholism and/or chronic mental or physical illness. Each group meets in 12-week sessions, accepting new members in the first week of a new session.  

The Wednesday group will be open to new members on September 15th; the Thursday group will be open to new members on September 16th.  Please click here if you are interested in joining one of these groups.

“Holding onto a resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

-- 12-step saying

 

Where do resentments come from? They come from unresolved anger.

 

Everyone gets angry. If we’re able to express anger and resolve it in a positive way, it is healthy and even helpful. The problem is that very few people have learned to express anger positively, let alone resolve it. In fact, many of us have been discouraged from expressing anger at all; we get the idea that it isn’t OK to get angry, so we try to bury our angry feelings.  Unfortunately, burying anger is like burying corroded drums of toxic waste underground. Eventually the drums’ contents leak into the soil and poison it. Similarly, buried anger turns into poisonous resentment.

 

There are many situations that can lead to resentments. Someone may seem more talented than you are or have things that you wish you had. A coworker may have gotten the promotion you wanted. It may seem like another member of your family is favored over you. Your spouse may not do what you consider to be his or her fair share of work around the house.

 

As the saying at the beginning of the article points out, holding onto a resentment doesn’t hurt the person you resent; it hurts you. The other person may not even realize you have a resentment. Because the resentment is in your head, it is up to you to find a positive way to resolve it. If it’s safe, you may try talking to the person you resent and explain what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling. Keep in mind, though, that you cannot force the person to change the situation that’s causing the resentment! Remember, the only person you can change is yourself.

 

If you work a 12-step program, you look at your resentments when you do your 4^th step (“made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves”). Later in the 12 steps you look at ways you have harmed others and make amends where it is possible to do so. Nowhere in the 12 steps, though, does it say anything about persuading someone else to make amends to you. Of course it’s a good idea for them to do so, but the 12 steps are about what you can do for yourself, not what you hope others will do.

 

If you’re not sure how to start working through your resentments, consider talking to someone else about it; another perspective is sometimes just what you need.

 

So, are you ready to start flushing that poison out of your system?